[Book Four] Chapter 18: Sharing the pain

Chapter 18: Sharing the pain

While July had three episodes of Mass Effect that aired, each month afterwards had two. The second episode of October had put everyone's good mood down the drain. It was the episode of Rick’s suicide attempt and his retelling of what really happened to his family on Eden Prime. It wasn’t just simply told by Act!Rick, it was shown in a flashback. The audience had been completely shocked into silence. Silence… that was how the episode ended. At the end of the episode Act!Rick went back to his quarters and lashed out violently, destroying all the equipment in his workshop including his helmet with his biotics. The last scene was of him kneeling completely breaking down, crying into Act!Jane silent’s embrace. The music, not helping at all to tune down the negative emotions the public were feeling. It was a very slow and grave piano accompanied with a very sad choir composed of children's voices. It became worse when violins played along the piano with a very high pitch exacerbating the tragedy they were watching while making it also disturbing.

After the credits a link to a list of various psychologists in the galaxy (filtered by clusters, systems and planets) and also numbers to suicide hotlines were displayed telling the people to ask for help.
For the first time in three years the chat was silent. No messages of any kind were posted. No memes. Nothing. Until one user posted a gif of a candle being lit up, the common gif for a show of respect and homage. A second posted it too, then a third then more and more. An unending chain of candles was lit up and flooded the chat. Billions of people were paying their respect.

At Celeste Academy, the only thing you could hear was the crying and sobbing of the most emotional students. Those that had Rick as a teacher understood why he had taken a leave of absence all week and why he was a bit out of sorts the previous one. Of the crew and family that were watching in the private theater, those that weren’t in the know and close to Rick were devastated. Jennifer didn’t show it and did her very best to not cry while Miranda was hugging her with everything she could. Kahlee and Anderson were in the same situation but she was letting the tears fall. Tali had left to go back to the 49th floor to find Rick but found him nowhere. EDI told her that he had left Celeste earlier in the evening, just before the airing, and refused to tell her where.

Life was soured for the next few weeks after that and Kelly had a lot of students coming to see her. Sometimes to ask for help, sometimes just to talk and get out what they had on their chest. It wasn’t until a month later that Rick came back to Celeste discreetly. He was berated by his children for leaving without telling them or saying goodbye and he could only apologize to them. Jane was about to reprimand them but Rick stopped her. They were children, they didn’t know and shouldn’t know. Any other time they would have been in the right so reluctantly she let it slide. Tali had simply glued herself to him in a crying mess so did Kahlee. Jennifer waited her turn for a more private setting where she simply hugged him wishing she could take his pain away. They had talked a lot about Analysse and she truly understood that she had been the love of his life. The one that stopped him from becoming a monster. She couldn’t imagine the guilt he had been carrying all those years. Guilt that must have been even heavier every time he interacted with her. Jennifer didn’t blame him one bit, but by now she knew how he thought, she knew he was blaming himself and yet still kept the mask up, hidden by his helmet.

She and Jane had warned their students to act as they usually would and that more than anything normalcy is what he needed more than anything. Some students were worried and asked them questions.

“Ma’am… is he going to be alright?”
“Yes. Even though that’s a wound that will never heal properly he has worked on it and has his family around for support. He isn’t going to do anything stupid.” Jane replied with a reassuring smile.
“Why?” one of them asked. “Why show us that? Why show such a private and… and…” the rest of the question was never finished as the student began to cry. Immediately her classmates were there to support her.
“Because… It was necessary.” Jennifer said.
“What do you mean?”
“The war… we lost lots of people. From strangers to loved ones… We were all scared deeply, one way or another and now that it’s over we need to rebuild not only our civilizations but ourselves. To push forward and live. Not everyone is able to do it. Many people need help and perhaps do not know how to get it or even want to get it or simply don’t know that there is help for them to begin with.”
“He also wanted to show the Galaxy that… you may see us as heroes but we’re living beings too. We’re not invincible. We laugh, we cry, we’re hyped and we break down, we’re happy and we mourn. He wanted everyone to know that we were flawed, that we go through the same things that everyone does. It’s a way to connect with each other, that no matter our species we’re all in this together. And if exposing his own pain and trauma can help people he would do so without hesitating a single moment. And he did.” added Jane.

The students were awed by the length at which Rick would go to promote symbiosis and tried their best to make sure their classes were as normal as usual. After receiving a Throw or two during training their compassion went out the window and just wanted to hit him once. He was still the strict and a bit sadistic teacher they always knew him as and that helped a lot in getting things back to normal. 

To fight the low morale, Kahlee had reminded the students that there was the festival of the end of the year to look forward to. That fired up everyone and everything went greatly. This time Celeste landed on Thessia (with the proper authorization to do so) for any outsiders to get in. Like usual the donors were present to look at the Academy’s results and were more than satisfied. This time, some came with their family after getting permission from Kahlee to enjoy the festival.
One of the new attractions was a cooperative obstacle race where everyone could participate but also a small football tournament where everyone could enter. Students and families or a mix of both grouped together to make five people teams. There were even teachers’ teams.  Jennifer and Jane were forwards, Rick was the midfielder and defender while Garrus was the defender and Anderson the goalie. Some students objected to the team however.

“Look at that! Do you see what I see?” Jennifer said, pointing at the students to Rick.
“If you’re talking about the whiny bitches that’s scared of a team whose youngest members are thirty three then yes.”
“Damn, If I knew we were raising chickens I would have taken my frying pan.”
“Do you think they will lay eggs out of fear if we shout?”
“I don’t know but I’m hungry now, so let's find out.”
“““Hell no!”””
“We’re going to kick your asses!”
“Maybe they’re not chickens but just barking dogs. Are you intimidated? Because I’m sure not.” Rick said to Jennifer.

“That’s it! Prepare to get the humiliation of your life teach’!”
“You hear that? It sounds like a baby pyjak squeaking.” said Jennifer.

Both biotics laughed evilly as they riled up the other participants. Meanwhile the rest of the team were doing their best to not laugh at their antics.

“By the spirits. I hope to never be the target of their taunts. The two of them are unbeatable.”
“It does get people worked up.” Anderson said with a smirk.

There were sixty four teams in total for the morning. With a ten minute game plus five more minutes in case of a draw, things went fast. Their team went far into the tournament, reaching the semi-final where they were defeated in the last fifteen second by a master feint from an asari that expertly made a decisive pass between Rick and Garrus to her krogan teammate that scored the winning goal. It had been a very close game as it was the only goal goaled. With no bitterness from their side, team TEACH Number 1 as it was called by the organizers, congratulated their opponent and cheered for them in the finale. The final match that they won.

All in all everyone had a good time and after the graduation ceremonies people left the ship. The same students that had stayed during summer stayed once again but this time were joined by others. Not many but enough to fill an entire class. Those new ones were quickly taken care of by the veterans though it wasn’t a walk in the park.

Consulting the family and Kahlee, Rick proposed a christmas feast and a small party for new years for them and other teachers that were staying there. Thinking it was a good idea to offer something like that to students who needed it, Kahlee agreed but didn’t take a single credit from Rick as the donations were more than enough to deal with that.

So when they fill back up their stock of food while on Thessia they also bought decorations and end of the year theme food. Most were human traditions of course but Christmas was a time of giving first and foremost, a time of sharing and they thought it appropriate to celebrate it. Of course they had checked for any tradition from other species and with the exception of new year there was nothing to celebrate, which was fine with them.

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Dorothea’s has been a shocking revelation to probably everyone in the Galaxy. An AI that created her own organic body to take possession of to understand organics was terrifying things to many and that launched an unprecedented debate about AI rights and put forwards the geths existence and status in the Galaxy which so far has been simply ignored. EDI had a very hardcore fan base that supported her through and through and she felt happy about it. Of course the same leechers that had been inappropriate towards her synthetic bodies, didn’t seem to learn and were banned once again. The appearance of Grunt was hailed by fans and his survival in the mission was received with relief. Not a single person had taken the side of Dalatrasse Linron. While some had still reservations about curing the genophage the ways she used were despicable and didn’t sit well with anyone. At least openly. There was such a backlash against her that any person of the same mind kept their mouth shut. The fact that Rick planned and succeeded in taking down the leader of one of the species sitting on the council so easily, however, terrified people a bit and wondered what else he could have done. They were also disbelieving of the way he was predicting events playing out.

Finally came the Tunchanka mission. People were familiar with it, they had seen the footage time and time again. Fortunately the footage had been heavily edited to show the strong and impactful moments for the propaganda so there was plenty to discover for the public. The passage into the ruins had shown another side of Rick that people didn’t know about. Fear. So far they had never seen him scared. Some applauded his determination to go on with the mission despite his phobias while others simply mocked him for having them. After all, what kind of grown ass man was fearing the dark?

However, they discovered his rage once they were out,  that he had calmed down and any dissers quieted down. After all he was soloing reapers troops with an unseen brutality and everyone instinctively understood that you didn’t mess with him like that. They finally understood what his teaser meant and that it was a warning to the public.

After Act!Jane and Act!Wrex declaration of friendship a fast engaging orchestral metal music began with a very memorable electric guitar riff. The crew was hacking down Reapers troops as fast as they could until they were confronted with the run towards the reapers. The music went up a notch when Act!Rick fought the Brutes on his own. From this moment the screen was split in tow, showing what Act!Garrus and Act!Rick dealing with the horde while Act!Jane and Act!Liara were doing their best to reach the Hammer. The numbers of brutes the first group (especially the latter member) killed could be counted in the multiple dozens, way more than what was shown to the public. When it was time to activate the second hammer, a smug and engaging melody on piano began to play as Rick did his thing.

“Deranged_Armony:  He ain’t gonna do what I think he’s gonna do, right?”
“_QuadMaster_:  IT’S WALD OF COURSE HE IS!”
“Swiggity Swooty Booty: The guy survived the escape of the Collector’s base, what do you think?”

And indeed, Act!Rick did as they thought. When he fell down the hammer, everyone knew it was the moment of awe. Everyone cheered when it happened and cheered some more when the Reaper was defeated.

“ °°RICK<3°°: ALL HAIL THE DESTROYER!!!”
“BIG_QUAD: HAIL!”

“BIGGER _QUAD: HAIL!”

“BATTLE_KROGAN: HAIL!”
“Space_Cowboy: HAIL! WAAAAAAAAALD!”

Many more “HAIL!” followed flooding the entire chat but EDI let it go. That was the krogans doing their thing so in her eyes it was alright. Liara threatening and disabled Rick with her fingers touching immediately became a meme to her embarrassment.

The release of the cure in the atmosphere and the associated images to it were powerful, more so with the very slow and hopeful music in the background. After a few more scenes, the episode and season ended with Act!Jane dragging Act!Rick up the stairs making him hit his head on every step and him cursing a storm, provoking everyone’s hilarity.

“I can’t believe you really did that!” Jennifer said laughing hysterically.
“Of course I did. After the shit he pulled everyone through? No way I wouldn’t.”

As usual after the credits, the bloopers and a short break the Q&A with the actors began.

“I’m Illiana Lorat and welcome to our third edition of Mass Effect’s Q&A with the stars. Many thanks to Headmistress Anderson of Celeste Academy to receive us once again in her establishment. And… good to see you again.” the asari said the last part to members of the cast present who greeted her back. “How are you doing? Rested?” she joked.
“We are.” said Christina.
“Filming one episode a month has done us some good.” Ryan added.
“It’s amazing what eight hours of sleep on average can do to your health. You should try it.” commented EDI that was there with her synthetic body.

“I’ll take your word for it. Now…let’s begin with a simple question… Was filming more difficult this time around?”
“Yes, definitely.” answered Ryan and Christina followed up.
“Not physically but emotionally wise. So far, season one and two… we had no real attachment to it. That was something that happened in parallel to our daily lives, elsewhere.”
“Yes. Season three… we can relate because we all lived it, you know. We were not as detached from our characters anymore. We understood them better and I think it helped us with the acting.” Ryan added.
“This season ended with a beautiful good ending… Something that we couldn’t hope to see, not after its beginning and not after…” Illiana chose to not finish her sentence but everyone knew about what she was talking about.
“Yes. Some moments were difficult for everyone.” admitted Christina.
“EDI, You were the co-director this season and a main member of the cast, twice at that, was it difficult to do all three jobs at the same time?”
“No. Since I’m impersonating myself I had no need to act, so the only real work I had to do was directing. It was challenging as I was a neophyte but not particularly difficult.”
“You’re not the first person that actually played their own role. The first being Aria T’Loak and the second Mister Zaeed Massani. How did it come to be?”
“Rick was searching for two different actresses but had difficulty doing so.  An organic playing a AI is not difficult but he needed a synthetic look alike. It was too much work so he simply asked me. As for my organic body I proposed myself.”
“Really? Why?”
“I am an AI that tries to understand organics. I was basically like a baby discovering the world with its senses but with a matured mind. No one else had the experience and the understanding of that so I thought that even the best actress in the world would not have gotten it right. Rick agreed and I was also casted.”
“There are so many questions I wish to ask you about being an organic but it’s a Q&A about the show, so sadly I will have to abstain. Now let’s start with the question from the chat…”

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“Alright, last question for this Q&A. It’s for… Ryan. ‘Back in the first Q&A you said that Rick visited you to talk about himself to help you with the role. Did he tell you then about the event of Eden Prime in 83? If yes, was it what changed your opinion about his actions?’”
“Yes.” Ryan confirmed.
“You knew all this time?” Illiana asked in shock.
“I did. We talked all day and finally he laid it on me. That was… a very uncomfortable moment for both of us. Despite the friendliness we were still strangers and he was sharing with me the worst moment of his life. He struggled a lot to say the words. It was… painful to watch and hear. When he left… I was… I was not well… It was late in the evening and I left my apartment too because I felt like I was suffocating. I had no destination in mind, I just walked and walked, thinking about everything I learned during the day. Things started to make sense to me. Why he acted like this, why he acted like that. His fights with the Commander, his struggles to express himself and to connect with people…”
“It all came from that.”
“Not all but most of it. I don’t know if people remember but in the very first episode when Shepard meets him, he’s… like… disconnected from himself. He acts like a machine. No emotion, all rational. He’s coping from what just happened a few minutes earlier and he can’t do it any other way because his heart is completely shattered. He’s not an asshole because he wants to be, but because he can’t be anything else at that moment. Vengeance is the only thing he has left and he channeled all his pain, his grief, his guilt into anger and channeled his anger into his vengeance against Saren. That’s why on the Citadel he’s relentless, always moving and not wasting time because the more time passes, the more Saren gets away. He’s ready to do anything and everything to get Saren’s head and seeing Shepard being a… goodie-two shoes is driving him mad because in his eyes, she’s wasting precious time and failing because she’s trying to play by the rules with someone that doesn’t and he believes that it’s a straight ticket to failure. However at the same time, she’s his moral compass. By simply being herself she stops him from losing his humanity and turns into what he’s hunting down. And after a while he realizes that and becomes less confrontational and his character improves. He ends up using her as a crutch… That’s why when she died he lost it, cleaned up those slavers and pirates and immediately joined her when she resurfaced on Omega and turned out to be the real Shepard.”
“That’s also why he finds solace with her against his nightmares in season two.” interjected Christina.
“Exactly. He needs help from her but is too ashamed to ask so he does what he does. It helps but he can’t really move forward as he hasn’t mourned his family yet because he can’t as he’s unable to speak about what happened. It’s only years later when he’s at his lowest that he does, thanks to Eve who shares and understands partly his pain, he finally breaks down and mourns. Ironically that makes him even more dangerous for the Reapers because he finds a new strength that fuels him. So here I was, back in front of my apartment’s door, my mind clear with understanding about the man I was supposed to impersonate and I think…That I can do this. That I must do this because… I understood why he wanted to show that to the galaxy. He wanted to reach the people out there in a similar situation. Still stuck in the past, unable to mourn and would probably try to take their own lives if they don’t get help or search for it.”
“Wow.”
“Yes. Wow. I got a new found respect for that man who was ready to lay bare all his sins in front of everyone to help others. To not make the same mistakes he did. Instantly, I knew that it wasn’t just a simple role but something much more and that he trusted me to do it. It was the same for you, Christina? With the Commander.”

Christina simply nodded slowly, unable to say anything with a far away look in her eyes.

“Those scenes… They were the hardest on you, weren’t they?”
“Yeah. The one in the med-bay not so much but the flashback? I gave it my all. I had to do many retakes because I wasn’t satisfied. I felt like… I wasn’t doing him nor this moment justice or at least not good enough.”
“51, exactly.” EDI said.
“Christina, was it also the case for you?”
“No. We didn’t know anything about it until the actual filming of the scene.”
“Nothing at all?”
“Only Ryan, Helona and EDI knew for obvious reasons but everyone else? We were completely in the dark. We knew that Ryan had some lines to say but we didn’t know what they were or what it was about. Everyone's reaction at that moment? It’s purely genuine, not an act.”
“That’s why it was the only take ever done of it.” said EDI.
“I see… Q&A is over but I think we all want to know before saying goodbye… He’s he alright?”
“Yes.” the AI replied with a gentle smile. “It had taken time but he had recovered as much as he could. Enough to have found happiness again.”
“Well, it’s a relief! Thank you all for being with me tonight for this third edition of Mass Effect’s Q&A! See you next time!”

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When Jane left the theater to get back home, she thought about what the actor playing her brother had said. She hadn’t thought that deeply about it but she felt like she understood the man she loved better in a way. Saying good night to the other inhabitants of the floor she entered her and Rick’s bedroom and was surprised by the sight that awaited her. Rick was in the middle of the bed sleeping on his back. His arms were around Adam and Sandra who were sleeping soundly at his sides while Arianna was sleeping face down against his chest. Getting closer, she noticed her baby girl drooling on her father’s shirt.

‘Like mother, like daughter.’ she thought suppressing a chuckle but smiling widely.

She took a picture with her omni-tool and discreetly exited the bedroom. Not wanting to disturb them and with no place for her on the bed she simply went to Ashley’s former bedroom to rest.